My last blog post 4 months ago, History vs MS, was about something that happened to me 20 years ago. Once I’d written and published it I thought I would instantly feel better, and while I had a sense of pride and relief, nothing else really changed. I felt weak for not fighting all those years ago and I was still treating myself like a victim.
I went back to the doctors and asked to change the anxiety medication, Mirtazipine, I’d been on for the past f*ck knows how many years. The first one, Sertraline, did start making me feel better but the side effects, as with all medication that’s supposed to make you feel better, made me feel awful, constant nausea, headaches, insomnia….so I went back to the doctors and asked if it was normal to still be getting side effects after 4 weeks, hoping he’d say yes, it would pass and I could stay on the medication which was making me less anxious and ultimately happier for the first time in years. Sadly he took me off it and put me onto something else, Escitalopram, which, quite frankly, made me feel shit. I went back to the doctors and asked if I could try Sertraline again in the hope it wouldn’t make me nauseous this time. Luckily it didn’t and I can finally say I’m in a better place mentally. Sertraline has helped me to clear my foggy head and think more positive. I’ve started meditating daily, which effectively is just breathing (who knew?!), using an app called Headspace, and have realised healing begins when you shed the victim mentality: He was the coward, I am the strong one. He was bigger than me physically but I have the bigger mentality. He was an asshole, I am amazing.
MS is the reason I’m stronger, even though it’s the weakest part of me. I’m slowly becoming the person I should’ve been a long time ago; what happened to me was just a chapter of my life that I hadn’t turned the page on. Now that page has turned, the chapter is closed.
And now I can finally see, there are so many beautiful reasons to be happy.