I’ve been struggling. Recently I have really been struggling. Struggling with the fact that my MS is going to make me feel like shit for the rest of my life; with understanding the concept that the Disease Modifying drugs I have to take for the rest of my life will only slim my chances of having an MS relapse by 30%; with the realisation that taking those drugs will significantly lower my immune system so I’m liable to pick up any illness going; with the fact that when I get a cough it normally lasts for 12 weeks or more and gets on my and everyone else’s proverbial tits.
That is at least a quarter of the year.
Feeling like shit.
This blog post is going to be predominantly, if not completely and utterly, negative and I’m not going to apologise for that. I’m allowed to feel the way that I feel about this, everyones feelings are personal to them, you can only feel what you feel. It’s probably not going to help other people who are going through this, but, I don’t know, maybe it will, because they’re probably feeling the same. Like shit.
I’m also struggling with “fairness”. How is it fair to have to take medication for the rest of your life that only reduces the chance of a relapse by 30% but it makes you feel shit anyway. I realise I’ve used the word “shit” quite a lot already but that’s because it is, quite frankly, shit. I’ll tell you what else isn’t fair, the doctors say “do more yoga, exercise more, that will benefit you”. That all sounds fair enough on paper, but when you feel like absolute shit you don’t feel like going to the gym and doing a workout, you haven’t got the energy, you can’t be expected to go to a yoga class, cough your guts up and ruin everyone else’s relaxation. That’s not fair. Now I’m not being fair to other people. That makes me feel shit too.
What makes this worse is my MS isn’t half as bad as other peoples and I’m here whinging about feeling shit. I shouldn’t be whinging. I should count myself lucky that I can still talk, I can still walk, I can still drive. But right now I am struggling, because why should I feel shit all the time to enable me to do those all things that are so second nature to us, yet still have a looming fear of the 70% chance I still have of having a relapse? I still have to cope day to day with the MS symptoms that I do have, is that not enough?
As much as it feels wrong writing a negative blog post, believe me, I do feel it necessary to admit in my blog when I’m struggling, blogging is a form of therapy for me. You need to get your thoughts out of your head otherwise you’ll have even bigger problems. You need to admit to the bad times as well as the good, let’s face it, social media is full of everyone’s good days, everyone’s best photos, no-one is going to post a selfie when you’re full of cold or you’ve just broken down in tears. But bad days, bad weeks, bad months do happen and accepting that is the goal to overcoming it.
Plus, in all honesty, it is somewhat satisfying to say the word “shit” one, two, three, four……….11 times in one blog post.
Shit, make that 12. I don’t like odd numbers.